Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
