Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why do cheetos always look like penises
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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