I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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