My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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