my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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