You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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