Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
