Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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