Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
