when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
