I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm passing your future prison.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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