**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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