you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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