im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
