He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
