she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
