It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hippo gnu deer
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
