Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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