I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
