it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
