i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
