JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
