Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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