I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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