You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
