Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize