The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize