I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
