sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
