I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize