I am in a vortex of obligation.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
