We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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