what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
