You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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