Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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