Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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