Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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