FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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