and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
handjob tips. give me some.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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