I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
