I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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