so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
