I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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