I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
