Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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