Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
