A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
