having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
