i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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