i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
