Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
