I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize