my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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