Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize