Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
