Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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