when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
