had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
