I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
