woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
